The Avengers meet Deadpool
by Full-on-nerd
Summary: Oneshot, crackfic. Our favourite team of Earth's Mightiest Heroes get a surprise when they find out that none other than Wade Wilson will be joining their team. Insanity ensues. Fourth Wall breaking as well. No slash.


**So, yeah. I have no idea where the idea for this even came from, but I couldn't write anything else until it was out on paper. But I felt super guilty for not updating any other stories for ages but then I was like what the hell exams are over so I wrote this one shot, which is supposed to be a crackfic but it's so late and I'm so tired it's probably not funny like at all. But I dunno. Maybe it is, on some strange chance, maybe it is? I DUNNO. Please review and tell me if it was funny, if it sucked, if I got everyone's characters wrong, if nothing made sense, or if I actually accomplised something? Please?**

**PLEASE?**

**Warning: SEVERE breaking of the fourth wall. And complete and utter insanity by Wade.**

The Avengers all reacted to those words with varying degrees of shock; Natasha actually gasped, Tony dropped his StarkPad, Thor merely frowned, not knowing who this person was, Steve's shield fell to the floor with a clang, Bruce's head fell out of his hands and nearly hit the table, while Clint went as far as to drop out of the vent he was in and swear loudly.

"Say again?" Tony spluttered, hoping it was some cruel joke.

Nick rolled his eyes. "Deadpool is joining the team."

"Deadpool?" Clint stammered. "As in Wade Wilson, complete insane mercenary and on SHIELD's list of most wanted? That Deadpool?"

Nick nodded. "His abilities are extraordinary, he can't die, he'll do what he's told-"

Tony laughed sarcastically and loudly at that.

"-For a price." Fury added with a growl.

"But he has no morals! No boundaries! He'll kill anyone and everyone." Steve protested.

"Oh, well that's a bit harsh," a muffled voice cried. The Avengers jumped and realised Deadpool was outside the door and listening.

"He's here?!" Tony hissed. "We haven't even discussed this!"

"Consider that the discussion." Nick said dismissively, turning on his heel and leaving the room, letting the Merc-with-the-mouth in on the way out. "Try and behave." He muttered to Wade, who ignored him.

"HEY GUYS!" He cried, holding out his arms for a hug that no one returned. He took it in his stride. "Hey, looking a little green there, buddy." He pointed to Bruce and promptly cackled at his own joke. "Get it? 'Cos he's the Hulk, and the Hulk is green!"

He seemed to stop for a moment, but he somehow managed to confuse the Avengers even more. "Hey, it was funny. Shh." The sentence wasn't directed at anyone visible in the room at all, more like his own self.

The Avengers sent each other desperate glances, each trying to persuade the other to do something. "Okay, er, Deadpool," Steve stuttered. "Um, are you-?" Deadpool wasn't listening. He had suddenly become very interested in Thor.

"So you're from Asgard, right?" He asked eagerly, leaping onto the table to sit cross-legged in front of Thor. The God of Thunder nodded confusedly. "That is so cool! You think I could go there, one day?" He didn't even give Thor time to answer before his attention turned to Mjolnir. "Ooh! You reckon I'm worthy of Mlahmlah?"

He dropped off the table and crouched like a child beside Mjolnir, Thor becoming uncomfortable and moving his chair back away from the mercenary. Wade argued with himself again. "Well, you're sure as hell not worthy!"

He latched his hands around the handle and pulled, groaning with the effort. His rear poked into the air as he yanked at the hammer with all his strength. "Don't tell me what to do!" He yelled at himself.

The Avengers exchanged more weary glances. "Schizophrenic?" Steve mouthed to the rest. Bruce nodded and shrugged.

"Probably." He answered. Suddenly, a loud popping sound was heard as Deadpool's arms dislocated. Instead of reacting with a sound of pain, Wade began to laugh and let go of Mjolnir.

"Guess I'm not worthy!" He casually popped his joints back in and his mood suddenly changed. "Yeah? Well, I don't care what the stupid hammer thinks of me!" He lashed out with a kick, resulting in a broken foot. He danced around comically with his foot in his hands and howling and muttering curses to the hammer.

"SO." Steve practically yelled. "Deadpool. Care to sit down, and we can chat?"

Wade paused and cocked his head ot the side. The mask showed no emotion and made everyone uncomfortable, until he fell to his knees and gave a loud, obviously fake sob.

"Oh!" He cried. "Deadpool has heard of your greatness, sir, but never has he been asked to sit down by an Avenger, like an equal!"

Clint chewed his knuckle to keep from laughing at Deadpool's performance. "You seriously memorised that entire quote from Harry Potter just in case someone asks you to sit down?"

Deadpool snorted. "Babe, I've memorised the entire film."

"Did he just call me Babe?" Clint mouthed incredulously to Natasha, who nodded with an amused glint in her eye.

Steve did not want to make it evident that he had no idea what Deadpool was doing, or what Harry Potter was. "Wade! Please, just sit."

Deadpool made a big show of standing, folding his arms and sliding sleekly into Nick's chair at the head of the table and putting his feet up. "You guys all look weird." He stated. "Y'know. Like when you meet a celebrity and they're like in normal clothes and it's like they should be dressed up because the world is their stage or something, you know?"

"Why aren't you in normal clothes, then?" Bruce blurted. "You always wear that outfit."

"Yeah, but sweetheart, if I looked like you I'd have no problem with normal clothes, if you know what I mean." Bruce blushed as Deadpool guffawed at himself.

"No, but seriously," Tony pressed. "Why do you wear that all the time?"

"You really don't wanna know." Wade insisted.

"Oh, but we do." Clint countered. "What do you look like underneath?"

"I'm a sexy beast underneath." He stretched out in the chair and put his arms behind his head. When no one spoke he sighed. "FINE. If you really wanna see how hot I am..." His fingers gripped the little bit of his mask that stuck out from the top of his head and he tugged it off, revealing his mangled face.

"Oh," Clint said, at a loss for words. Steve didn't want to look, but couldn't help it. Every scar, every burn and scrape on his face seemed to scream pain, and yet Deadpool was one of the most content- albeit utterly insane- people he had met in a long time. Natasha's face hardened, not wanting to show pity because she knew of the effects that could have on people (Tony). Thor, Tony and Bruce had grown used to the site of scars and deformities, Thor from battle scars on Asgard, Tony from those guilt-ridden nights where he'd forced himself to look upon the faces of those he had indirectly injured with the weapons he sold, and Bruce from being a doctor.

"Yeah." Wade nodded, making his mask face him and giggling to himself when he put his hand inside and made it talk like a sock puppet. He put it back on and yawned. "Anyone else hungry? I want a chimichanga."

Steve put his head in his hands. At times like these he hated being the leader. "So Deadpool, when was the last time we met?"

"Well, for me and you it was about five or six of my issues ago, and probably around ten for your Avengers issues." He shrugged. "But for your individual Captain America comic, which is kind of boring -no offence- I have no idea. I'm assuming like seven."

The Avengers fell silent for a full minute while trying to figure out what the hell Wade had just said. "Come again?" Clint breathed eventually. "Okay, nevermind, let's move on from that." He didn't even care for an explanation anymore, just chose to accept that Deadpool was just nuts.

"Fine by me. Although I don't even know if that counts, because this isn't exactly a comic, is it?" The Avengers frowned. "I mean, this is just a Fanfiction, probably written by some teenage girl at four in the morning trying to fool herself into thinking she's accomlished something by getting readers."*

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Wade sighed as though it was obvious. "Okay, all of us are usually in our own comics, but now this teenager has taken us all to put in her weird fantasy world where I join the Avengers for some reason she hasn't even explained. So this is probably a oneshot, and it's probably late where she is and she probably can't think straight so none of this probably even makes sense."

"Ooooooooookay..." Tony said loudly. "We understand now."

"Oh, good!" Wade said, not picking up on the sarcasm. But apparently his other voice did. "He was not! Tony, were you being sarcastic?"

Tony shook his head. "Er.. No?"

"SEE? Told you." He jabbed a finger at his brain stubbornly and then folded his arms. "Soooooooooo... Tony."

"Yeah?"

Deadpool leaned in close to Tony, practically nose to nose. "Word on the street is you let the Avengers live in your Tower. Your fancy Tower."

"Erm." Tony was begging to any and all gods up there that Wade wasn't suggesting what Tony thought he was suggesting.

"So, seeing as now that I am an Avenger, doesn't that technically mean that I should be also living in your fancy Tower?"

Tony cringed. "I guess so."

"YIPPEE!" Wade pumped his fist in the air and, having jumped up onto the table when Tony had agreed, punched one of the lights. It flickered ominously for a few seconds, before the entire room was plunged into darkness.

Several slaps were heard as each Avenger gave themself a facepalm. Wade broke into mad fits of laughter, still standing on the table precariously. After around five minutes of constant laughter the mercenary stopped, only to start again when he saw Tony's arc reactor illuminating the room in a stream of light.

"Boy!" He forced out between laughs. "You sure do... wheeze... take all your sciency stuff to heart!" Wade dropped onto the table and crawled towards Tony and gripped his wrist, laughing much too hard. "Or-Or how about, 'Heart of Iron'?" He practically screamed in laughter. "GET IT? Instead of 'Heart of Gold', you have a heart of... a heart of IRON, because you're IRON MAN!"

There was a loud clatter as Wade fell off of the table and onto the floor ("Like the meatball in that song!" He yelled) and all six of the original Avengers ran out of the door.

***Yep, I just described myself.**

**So, if any of you are here 'cos you follow any of my other stories and just want to go on at me for not updating I swear for like all of them except that Alex Rider one that's on hiatus I'm either halfway through the next chapter or more (Tortured: I think like halfway or something, Avengers and Spider-Man: Actually halfway through two different versions of the same chapter because I can't decide which is better, Kidnapped heroes: Ohhhh yeah nearly done that chapter just hold on a bit longer, and Tortured Speedster: omg I'm so sorry I don't even think I've started the next chapter yet or maybe I have but if I did it must have been ages ago because I can't even remember sorry but I'll get right on that).**

**Did it suck? Was it okay? Was it funny? Was it so awfully bad it made you want to claw your own eyes out just for something to do? Or was it so bad it was good? This only took me two hours to write so I honestly will not take offence if you hate it but please review anyway! And yeah ending was kind of rushed because the birds started singing and stupid birds shhhh it isn't morning yet asdfghjkl! Please review it would make my day- no, night- no, technically morning because yeah it's four am now woo but exams are over and we're on 'study leave' so who gives a woozle?**

**DEADPOOL SAYS REVIEW**

***EDIT: I accidentally published the whole thing in bold -_-**


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